when i care, i really do.
Sunday, August 1, 2010/ 9:55 AM

[PS]This is post is for the sake of letting everybody know what I really feel right now. It's getting really really heavy and I think I can't handle everything anymore. I feel like it's going to burst very soon in a not so very good way.
I have the tendency to be really really highly emotional. Please bear with me. This will e the first and the last time I'll talk about this. I swear.

Do you have a bestfriend? Yes, of course. Everybody is entitled to have that someone who would know everything about them and would try really hard to be with you even with the slimmest chances. But this one right here is different. It's not the typical having-a-bestfriend thing. It's way more than just that. It's very complicated.  Very delicate. One wrong step could ruin everything. I have a guy bestfriend . Everyody might read this, I DON'T REALLY CARE. I care about US more.

That right there is a very very big problem about me. I really hate it when I start caring for someone more than I planned to care about them; When I start liking someone more than I planned to like them. I tend to be very very possessive of my friends. Anybody might look at it as it is, but really, that's not it. it's really just that, they're really important to me and I can NOT EVER afford to lose them in whatever way.

The whole thing started with confessions. I might want to elaborate everything. So there's a possibility that this post is gonna be very very long and boring. Whatever, it's just for the purpose of unloading these heavy feelings I have right now anyways. You can read on, or just stop. Really, I don't mind.

The story goes this way;
He got drunk one day: And I got really really pissed cause I was a hundred percent positive that it was because of that one girl again. He was my bestfriend, what do you expect me to do? I thought I was so ready to give up; that I could go on without fixing him, or me, or us. I had no idea what was going on in that pretty of his. He has never told me anything except that very famous story of his and this girl. I thought it was about her again.

I got really pissed so I let some friends know that I'm giving up. Just minutes after I did, my phone beeped with a message from him :
"Pril, do you know who broke my heart?"
Out of nowhere, he texts me with this rhetorical question. (I know. I still remember every word. How pathetic. I am a fangirl ) What the hell did that mean I just replied with:
"Of course, I know only one person who can get you drunk because of too much depression."
He knew who I meant. Then he replied.
"You might thing it's [insertnamehere], but this time, it's not her :)"
He replied with a smiley. WITH A SMILEY even in the state of being depressed. So I assumed he was still drunk. I hate talking to drunk people so I did not reply. After another bulk of silent minutes, I just texted him with a "Please, don't get too much alcohol. Just please, go home now." It's not the right words but it was kinda like that. I knew something not usual was about to happen that night so just randomly, I played the song I made I borrowed my friend's guitar. After another series of minutes, when I checked my phone, I had three unread messages. From him.
He'd be ending his career as my bestfriend. That he wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do but it's really getting hard for him and he really has to tell me everything. So, he did. From the very fact that we didn't really have that chance to be together during highschool but after all those times that I was there. [dot dot dot] I can't put it into words but I guess you know what I mean, right?

I didn't know what to do, of course. The conversation continued. And I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I might just regret this one someday. For not taking the chance of having an amazing guy like him beside me. I just might. but It's my fault. It would be my fault. BUT RIGHT NOW. I JUST WANT US TO BE BESTFRIENDS. It somehow makes me happy knowing that he's my bestfriend and that there's a lesser possibility of losing him. Let me regret someday for not taking the chance. I deserve it. Eventhough it sometimes feels like it's more than just that. I've told him that before.

I hope we're both doing the right thing. We are bestfriends.
I love my bestfriend.
And for the nth time,
AND THAT he just gave me more reasons to smile everyday.

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